Hello.
I feel like I can keep writing every single day till no more days left. Lol.
I don't even write about hard thing or something that needs a lot of researches, so see how easy this is...
So, today is #1YearOfIcarusFalls
Do you know about this album? If you don't, then bye! I don't want you here ever!
I can't believe that I live in a world where some people have no idea about Icarus Falls...
Goddddd.
Icarus Falls is a masterpiece by ZAYN that was released on 14th December 2018. It is so beautiful, and I can't even explain in words how beautiful it is.
To tell you the truth, since it came out, I never fail to listen to it every single day. Yeah... It's been 365 days, and I still want to listen to that album every day. I don't know why, but it just feels very right to do that.
I really hope it gets recognition that it deserves.
Zayn didn't do any promotion for this album, and well I feel bad for him...
His management did him real dirty. Urghh.
I still remember before this album was released, ZAYN was giving a lot of hints that involved red colour, green colour and yellow colour... Also a lot of roses.
He even tattooed a rose on his head...
But boom! Suddenly, this album came (felt rush) and personally, I don't think it's what Zayn really planned to release...
It felt so rush as the announcement was very last minute... And during the first week, there's no physical copies in a lot of shops yet...
So, see what I'm trying to say here.
But that doesn't mean it's a bad album or whatever, it's so so so great.
In my list, it's definitely my no 2,my top 2,the first one is BN by Troye Sivan... But heyyy, I've listened to a lot of albums, and it being no 2 speaks a lot.
And yeah, I still haven't stopped listening to it every single day... So yeahh
Imagine 27 songs, and no skip... Urghh so perfectly written (pfff... I usually skipped Sour Diesel before this, but yeahh I don't anymore)
Oh yeah, back to me.
I hate myself now because I can't even focus or do the right thing.
I feel like the vibes ain't there and I kinda want to end this faster.
But I guess I have to push myself more and just keep reminding myself that it won't be that long... Push myself hard only for few more days, then, I can rest forever after that, right?
Okay, bye...
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Sunday, December 08, 2019
Uni's life and feeling sad.
Hey, again I just feel like writing so that's what I'm doing right now.
It's up to you to think whatever about me.
This mainly needed to be written because I've told you before about my wish is to die before I turn 23...which is, less than a month left. I feel like I don't write much about my uni's life... And yeah, I think that it's the right time now.
I'm in my seventh semester, and one more semester left... Just one more...
But guess what? My eighth semester will happen when I'm 23,which I think it's... Hmm... I'm not sure whether I'll make it or not, feel weird to talk about this actually.
I'm not really ready to die, but I don't want to live anymore, I don't it's just I'm tired of just feeling sad all the time...
At first, I tried to stay positive by thinking that, maybe... Maybe it's just a phase, but then again, I reread back my old journals and all that, nahhh... This kinda feeling is always there.. And I have lost count of how many times I've tried to take my own life
Tiring... Tired... Yeah, whatever
I'm in my seventh semester now... Before, I thought that uni's life would be filled with friends, love and ambitions, but man, I was wrong
I don't have friends at all (told you before right, how in my course, there're only two girls... Me and someone else-but yeah, we only talk during class mainly because we're the only girls... Males classmates, hmm... I only talk to them during class too)
Maybe, it's my fault after all, I've built my walls up so high, I ain't never ready for anything more than just classmates whatsoever, I don't like to talk about the things in my head anyway, cause I know nobody cares...
And that other girl, it's never her fault I would say... She just happened to be luckier than me since the start... She got a nice roommate, who happens to have a group of nice friends, there's no point for her to hang out with me after class anyway, and yeah, you know how at first, I had a roommate but she quitted after first sem, and then... After her, I only stay in room attached with bathroom, there's no way I can make any new friends.
Obviously, I also don't join any other social activities, mainly because I'm socially awkward and I have low self-esteem. It's not that hard to start a conversation with someone new, but then... What makes it hard is when that someone, hmm... That someone has no interest in talking to you anymore when they have someone else.
And yeah, it always feels like I'm interviewing them, not having a conversation but interview...
They show no interest often, it just always makes me feel more useless and I always think and know that, yeah, maybe I'm not that interesting...
Maybe, I'm really that girl, that person that no one wants to associate with.
I cope with this by fangirling all the time, even when I'm basically an adult and I'm not supposed to fangirling anymore, but heyyy... I will feel more sad and lonely if I don't fangirling... Because I have no one to talk to at all after class, since forever...
And yeah, been living a life like this since first semester,
Every semester, I tell myself that I'm used to this, but fuckkkk, I'm lonely
I feel lonely, empty and I just want all of these to end
Talking about classes, I kid you not... It's just getting harder and harder every single semester... Engineering course (like any other course) is tough for me, a lot of time I don't understand why the old me chose this course,
The old me, I don't know who she is anymore, I feel like she's wiser than me, and she's ambitious and only aims more than her capabilities. I also feel like she doesn't really think right, I mean, maybe she thought differently, but mannnnnnn... Her actions are affecting my life now. If only I killed her long long time ago.
Maybe, I'll graduate if I don't die.
If I'm still alive, I don't know whether I will remember everything that I did in uni's life, these sad feelings, I want them to go away, I don't want to remember about anything... I hate this I hate this
Why can't I feel happy anymore?
Where it all goes wrong?
Why?
Why?
And yeah, of course, of course, I envy others that have friends and live a nice uni's life, have supportive friends, a loving boyfriend and yadda yadda
While I'm here have to face everything alone, I'M TIRED OF THIS.
I don't understand certain things that I've learnt in class, yeah.. Have to figure out myself till I get the answers
Have to eat alone every meal, yeahh... It's normal absolutely
Have no one to talk to after class, yeah... Normal too...
Maybe, it's better for me to stop living after all, but then again, wtf do I know?
Yeah whatever, no sure why I said I need to write about this... Bye!
It's up to you to think whatever about me.
This mainly needed to be written because I've told you before about my wish is to die before I turn 23...which is, less than a month left. I feel like I don't write much about my uni's life... And yeah, I think that it's the right time now.
I'm in my seventh semester, and one more semester left... Just one more...
But guess what? My eighth semester will happen when I'm 23,which I think it's... Hmm... I'm not sure whether I'll make it or not, feel weird to talk about this actually.
I'm not really ready to die, but I don't want to live anymore, I don't it's just I'm tired of just feeling sad all the time...
At first, I tried to stay positive by thinking that, maybe... Maybe it's just a phase, but then again, I reread back my old journals and all that, nahhh... This kinda feeling is always there.. And I have lost count of how many times I've tried to take my own life
Tiring... Tired... Yeah, whatever
I'm in my seventh semester now... Before, I thought that uni's life would be filled with friends, love and ambitions, but man, I was wrong
I don't have friends at all (told you before right, how in my course, there're only two girls... Me and someone else-but yeah, we only talk during class mainly because we're the only girls... Males classmates, hmm... I only talk to them during class too)
Maybe, it's my fault after all, I've built my walls up so high, I ain't never ready for anything more than just classmates whatsoever, I don't like to talk about the things in my head anyway, cause I know nobody cares...
And that other girl, it's never her fault I would say... She just happened to be luckier than me since the start... She got a nice roommate, who happens to have a group of nice friends, there's no point for her to hang out with me after class anyway, and yeah, you know how at first, I had a roommate but she quitted after first sem, and then... After her, I only stay in room attached with bathroom, there's no way I can make any new friends.
Obviously, I also don't join any other social activities, mainly because I'm socially awkward and I have low self-esteem. It's not that hard to start a conversation with someone new, but then... What makes it hard is when that someone, hmm... That someone has no interest in talking to you anymore when they have someone else.
And yeah, it always feels like I'm interviewing them, not having a conversation but interview...
They show no interest often, it just always makes me feel more useless and I always think and know that, yeah, maybe I'm not that interesting...
Maybe, I'm really that girl, that person that no one wants to associate with.
I cope with this by fangirling all the time, even when I'm basically an adult and I'm not supposed to fangirling anymore, but heyyy... I will feel more sad and lonely if I don't fangirling... Because I have no one to talk to at all after class, since forever...
And yeah, been living a life like this since first semester,
Every semester, I tell myself that I'm used to this, but fuckkkk, I'm lonely
I feel lonely, empty and I just want all of these to end
Talking about classes, I kid you not... It's just getting harder and harder every single semester... Engineering course (like any other course) is tough for me, a lot of time I don't understand why the old me chose this course,
The old me, I don't know who she is anymore, I feel like she's wiser than me, and she's ambitious and only aims more than her capabilities. I also feel like she doesn't really think right, I mean, maybe she thought differently, but mannnnnnn... Her actions are affecting my life now. If only I killed her long long time ago.
Maybe, I'll graduate if I don't die.
If I'm still alive, I don't know whether I will remember everything that I did in uni's life, these sad feelings, I want them to go away, I don't want to remember about anything... I hate this I hate this
Why can't I feel happy anymore?
Where it all goes wrong?
Why?
Why?
And yeah, of course, of course, I envy others that have friends and live a nice uni's life, have supportive friends, a loving boyfriend and yadda yadda
While I'm here have to face everything alone, I'M TIRED OF THIS.
I don't understand certain things that I've learnt in class, yeah.. Have to figure out myself till I get the answers
Have to eat alone every meal, yeahh... It's normal absolutely
Have no one to talk to after class, yeah... Normal too...
Maybe, it's better for me to stop living after all, but then again, wtf do I know?
Yeah whatever, no sure why I said I need to write about this... Bye!
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