Uni's life and feeling sad.

Hey, again I just feel like writing so that's what I'm doing right now.
It's up to you to think whatever about me.

This mainly needed to be written because I've told you before about my wish is to die before I turn 23...which is, less than a month left. I feel like I don't write much about my uni's life... And yeah, I think that it's the right time now.

I'm in my seventh semester, and one more semester left... Just one more...
But guess what? My eighth semester will happen when I'm 23,which I think it's... Hmm... I'm not sure whether I'll make it or not, feel weird to talk about this actually.

I'm not really ready to die, but I don't want to live anymore, I don't it's just I'm tired of just feeling sad all the time...

At first, I tried to stay positive by thinking that, maybe... Maybe it's just a phase, but then again, I reread back my old journals and all that, nahhh... This kinda feeling is always there.. And I have lost count of how many times I've tried to take my own life

Tiring... Tired... Yeah, whatever

I'm in my seventh semester now... Before, I thought that uni's life would be filled with friends, love and ambitions, but man, I was wrong

I don't have friends at all (told you before right, how in my course, there're only two girls... Me and someone else-but yeah, we only talk during class mainly because we're the only girls... Males classmates, hmm... I only talk to them during class too)

Maybe, it's my fault after all, I've built my walls up so high, I ain't never ready for anything more than just classmates whatsoever, I don't like to talk about the things in my head anyway, cause I know nobody cares...

And that other girl, it's never her fault I would say... She just happened to be luckier than me since the start... She got a nice roommate, who happens to have a group of nice friends, there's no point for her to hang out with me after class anyway, and yeah, you know how at first, I had a roommate but she quitted after first sem, and then... After her, I only stay in room attached with bathroom, there's no way I can make any new friends.

Obviously, I also don't join any other social activities, mainly because I'm socially awkward and I have low self-esteem. It's not that hard to start a conversation with someone new, but then... What makes it hard is when that someone, hmm... That someone has no interest in talking to you anymore when they have someone else.
And yeah, it always feels like I'm interviewing them, not having a conversation but interview...
They show no interest often, it just always makes me feel more useless and I always think and know that, yeah, maybe I'm not that interesting...
Maybe, I'm really that girl, that person that no one wants to associate with.

I cope with this by fangirling all the time, even when I'm basically an adult and I'm not supposed to fangirling anymore, but heyyy... I will feel more sad and lonely if I don't fangirling... Because I have no one to talk to at all after class, since forever...

And yeah, been living a life like this since first semester,
Every semester, I tell myself that I'm used to this, but fuckkkk, I'm lonely

I feel lonely, empty and I just want all of these to end

Talking about classes, I kid you not... It's just getting harder and harder every single semester... Engineering course (like any other course) is tough for me, a lot of time I don't understand why the old me chose this course,

The old me, I don't know who she is anymore, I feel like she's wiser than me, and she's ambitious and only aims more than her capabilities. I also feel like she doesn't really think right, I mean, maybe she thought differently, but mannnnnnn... Her actions are affecting my life now. If only I killed her long long time ago.

Maybe, I'll graduate if I don't die.

If I'm still alive, I don't know whether I will remember everything that I did in uni's life, these sad feelings, I want them to go away, I don't want to remember about anything... I hate this I hate this

Why can't I feel happy anymore?
Where it all goes wrong?

Why?

Why?

And yeah, of course, of course, I envy others that have friends and live a nice uni's life, have supportive friends, a loving boyfriend and yadda yadda

While I'm here have to face everything alone, I'M TIRED OF THIS.

I don't understand certain things that I've learnt in class, yeah.. Have to figure out myself till I get the answers

Have to eat alone every meal, yeahh... It's normal absolutely

Have no one to talk to after class, yeah... Normal too...

Maybe, it's better for me to stop living after all, but then again, wtf do I know?

Yeah whatever, no sure why I said I need to write about this... Bye!